The Federal Government’s Secret on How to Write in PLAIN English

If the major mortgage lenders, home buyers and Wall Street had heard of PLAIN, and had gotten rid of the fine print and mishigas in their contracts, we might not be in the economic mess we find ourselves. PLAIN is short for Plain Language Action and Information Network.

A number of federal government agencies formed PLAIN almost 15 years ago with the aim of promoting the use of plain language for government communications.

The big idea was that by using plain language, federal agencies would save time and money and provide better service to the American public. The group offers limited editing services, occasional seminars and other how-to-write services to federal agencies.

Check out PLAIN’s Web site for several great tips on how to put together sentences that anyone can understand. You can also download a copy of the Federal Plain Language Guidelines.

What follows is part of a funny list of PLAIN’s tips on how to write good:

1. Always avoid alliteration.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague—they’re old hat.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.
8. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
9. Contractions aren’t necessary.
10. Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo.
11. One should never generalize.
12. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
13. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
14. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
15. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
16. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
17. Understatement is always best.
18. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
19. One-word sentences? Eliminate. Always!
20. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
21. The passive voice should not be used.
22. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
23. Don’t repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
24. Who needs rhetorical questions?
25. Don’t use commas, that, are not, necessary.
26. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
27. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.

Yeah, yeah, you’ve seen me break some of these rules. Sometimes it’s okay to break the rules if you have a good reason to take the bull by the horns and indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.

Do you know why these sentences are incorrect? If you can’t figure them all out, post your question below!